Wayne's Whirled

I really think the title explains it all: those people who keep clicking the filler thing with their cup and letting the fizz settle and then clicking it again and letting the fizz settle until not one more drop of soda can be placed into the cup under normal atmospheric pressure.  Is that last 0.5 ounce of soda really worth five minutes of MY time??? (Hint: I’m the person behind you…)

To explain this graphically, the soda below would be inadequate for the people of whom I speak due to the small area near the top of the glass that is not filled with soda.  Obviously ten to twelve carbon dioxide bubbles have burst and need to be replaced by more soda.

Okay, this one has bugged me for a while. What the f**k is up with the monster purses that women carry these days???

First of all, who needs to carry that much crap with them everywhere they go? If you need that much makeup immediately accessible at all times to look presentable, consider cosmetic surgery.

Second, when women do the “tuck the purse behind the armpit” pose they have no idea that this creates a huge bat wing behind them that others have to navigate. The rule should be that your purse can’t stick out farther than your own ass.

Lastly, have you ever been in line behind one of these women when she is looking for her wallet in there so she can pay for something? It’s like watching a magician pull various crap out of a trick bottomless top hat.

So, just say NO to ginormous purses.

Whilst dining at lunch today, I witnessed a middle-aged woman take a stack of about THIRTY paper napkins for her lunch with her and a single companion. WTF???

Look, unless you have some serious hand-eye coordination issues or you need to make an impromptu toilet-seat ass-gasket, there is NO reason to need that many napkins. She could have made a napkin muumuu out of it, for Christ’s sake (granted she was wearing a muumuu ALREADY, but you get the point).

Next time, please just take a napkin or two and move on, or just bring your own frickin’ bib.

I took a picture a couple months ago of my sales guy Greg driving us to Tucson:

Yup, that is Greg eating a donut, drinking coffee, talking on his cellphone and steering with his knees (and passing a Prius). Fortunately for me he has a GREAT deal of skill doing this (no doubt due to years of practice).

I finally got used to this scary sight and suddenly he got a Blackberry:

It is a sad commentary that a Blackberry takes SIGNIFICANTLY more attention than eating, drinking and talking on the phone all at the same time. The guy swerves all over the road now! He did better with knee steering!

Help.

So while driving to my reps office yesterday, I had two different people over a ten minute period throw cigarette butts out their windows while driving right in front of me. It REALLY used to piss me off when I rode a motorcycle as I was hit with hot cigarette butts while driving down the road. WTF?? Do they think that it is not litter?? Why don’t you keep your butts in that spotless ashtray in your car? Oh, that’s right. It makes the car smell bad.

So instead you throw it out the window in a city that about zero percent humidity and dry brush that can light up like kindling. If you can’t even stand having old butts in your ashtray can you understand why we don’t want you smoking when we eat dinner?

Pigs.

My friend Kiri (who has a beautiful seven month old girl) was explaining how she couldn’t wait for her daughter to have hair so she could put “stuff” in it, like bows, pins etc. At least she is waiting for hair first, because if you ask guys over the age of 35 what they think of when they see a baby with a headband, it is invariably Clint Howard in the Star Trek episode “The Corbomite Maneuver”:

Ignoring the full set of teeth, certainly you can see the unfortunate resemblance.

Whilst pondering decor issues, I came up with the following thought:

“Decide what is more important: the item you want to put into a given space or the space itself.”

Okay, so it is not that profound, but it came up during a discussion over coffee tables, which I am against. I think they are just crap collectors and if I want to have a place to put my feet I can use a cube storage ottoman, with the added bonus of putting blankets or something inside it. Unless you have a huge living room, a coffee table eats up a valuable space and ends up covered with magazines and garbage anyway. Just say no to coffee tables!