Wayne’s Whirled

So I went to the eye doctor yesterday for an exam and he had to dilate my eyes so he could look inside them or something silly like that.  I had a book with me as I knew I would spend some time waiting, so after he put the drops in I started reading.  He told me to enjoy reading because in a few minutes I wouldn’t be able to once the drops took effect.

That’s what HE thought; it took me a couple minutes to figure it out, but I was able to read just fine.  The doctor cracked up when he walked in!

So my friend [name redacted] has been navigating the online dating world in a large city on the east coast. She is a hottie and quite a catch overall, so naturally the weirdos have been coming out of the woodwork trying to get up in her grill. Here is the latest; I’m not sure what is up with taking the EXACT SAME PHOTO MULTIPLE TIMES WITH NOTHING BUT COSTUME CHANGES, so for my own enjoyment I made a flipbook out of it. He sort of looks like he is dancing, don’t you think.

As my good friend Kim would say: “Oh dear.”

So several weeks ago I was downtown to meet my friend Jill for lunch and while I was waiting for her a woman who was on a cellphone asked if I could help a bird that was flopping around all over the sidewalk.  I saw the bird and thought it was having seizure or had a broken wing or something; having watched Wild Kingdom every Sunday night while growing up, I knew I had to jump in and do something; little did I know that Jill was catching this on her cell phone camera.  She also blogged about this in her “Saving Captain Jack” post; get it?

Here is me in the “capture phase”:

And then holding it while we figured out what was wrong with it, which turned out to be some bird netting. I thought bird netting was meant to keep birds out of things, not detach and tangle them up. It was so wrapped around the bird that Jill had to go get some scissors which she used to cut the netting while I spread the birds wings out one at a time so we could get to it.

Here is the netting; nasty stuff!

My name is Wayne, and I am the Bird Whisperer.

Yes, I live in downtown Phoenix, can walk to my haircut, dry-cleaner, the main Phoenix Library, over thirty coffeeshops and restaurants.  And this is my neighbor’s goat.  Seriously.

It must be lonely because whenever I come up to the alley to throw away trash it comes running up to the fence to be petted.

Which, of course, I do.

Weird.  She usually crosses her FRONT legs.

I can’t even remember whose wallet this is; the picture was in my phone. Come on, fess up!  Yes, that is a QUARTER.

My good friend Karen’s dog Jersey became suddenly ill recently and then passed away.  The piece below arrived in my email inbox, and certainly made me think about my own dog and what kind of life I do (or don’t, at times) provide for her…  comments appreciated.

From Jersey:

To all my friends and family,

Thank you for giving and sharing with me, my wonderful life. I knew from the moment I met my mom that I was going to experience love, friendship, adventure, challenge and happiness, but really didn’t know just how much. You have all been so good to me…spoiled me actually…I got to visit places other dogs could not go, see things other dogs missed and ate a whole lot of people food (only while on vacation, per mom).  I’ve been to the beach in CA and Mexico, I’ve been to the top of mountain peaks 14,000 ft high in Colorado, dogs parks all over (I will miss David’s dogpark!), I’ve hiked the slickrock in Moab and hiked miles upon miles all over the state. My mom even turned me into a running dog! I remember being able to run about 4-6 miles with her! I have made lots of friends (people and animal alike). Thank you for watching me when mom was away, hiking with me and camping with me too. It’s been good to be known as “such a good dog”.

As you know my legs no longer carry me 4-6 miles, I’m no longer hungry for even the sweetest of treats. It is time to say thank you and be on my way… but know that today I am taking my memories with me and I want you all to keep them close to your hearts as well.

Now go on and share the love you shared with me, with other pets. They deserve to experience the adventures and love in life that I have.  I will miss you all.

love,
- Jersey Girl

…does my friend Jennifer’s front door glass inlay look sort of phallic?

It started as a real conversation, then morphed into a joke, and then became real again but then I think it ended as a joke.  Or maybe not.  Hell, I don’t know.

So I was talking to my best friend Kiri about the sad state of the economy and how important it is to call all of your friends when you are looking for a job, because something like 90% of jobs are obtained through networking.  I then mentioned that some people are offering their friends “finder’s fees” for helping them obtain said job.  Not that one’s friends aren’t already wanting to help, but there is something about the prospect of some cold, hard cash that keeps it fresh in one’s mind.

And so as a joke, I said I should use my female friend network to find me a decent girlfriend.  And if someone did, they would get $1000 if I dated that person for six months.  Haha. Funny.  Well, word got around.  Who would think that a chance for $1000 get such attention?

Evidently I failed to take into account how many clothes and shoes a woman can get for $1000; if we were talking about men it would just be one big thing they would buy (new rims, a Wii with a bunch of games, etc).  My, how the word got around once these women started chattin’….

And then Sarah called.  Sarah is a friend who I know through my best friend mentioned above (they are in a book club together, though calling it a drinking club with books as ornamentation might be more accurate).  She writes for the Phoenix New Times newspaper.  In fact, she has a column there.  And she was lacking a story for the Valentine’s Day issue.  And what could be more romantic than some guy offering $1000 to meet a woman worth dating?  Good lord, what I have I done??

Keep in mind that I did not have editorial control here and so some of it might not have turned out the way I expected, but it was a lot of fun; here is a link to the article online, but the print edition was much more impressive.  And just so all of you can learn a journalistic trick, “Scott” is my middle name and my friend Kiri’s real name is Kathi (”Kat”); sneaky journalists.

So I am obviously not pleased with the “albeit somewhat short” parenthetical at the end of the story (Sarah claims her EDITOR put that in; uh-huh) but other than that I found it pretty entertaining.  And hey, I was doing a favor for a friend.

Then it got really weird; Sarah asked me what she should do about the women who emailed her wanting to meet me.  Seriously???

Stay tuned.